


hey moon, please forget to go down

by Depressing_Fanfiction



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, M/M, Past Prositution, Suicide Attempt, takes place in 2010-2011, without the square hair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-09-30 03:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17216039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Depressing_Fanfiction/pseuds/Depressing_Fanfiction
Summary: all phil knew lately were boring nights and shaking hands. his friends worried about him and he couldn’t say that he didn’t either.all dan knew lately were rough hands and fake love. people giving up on him once they decided he was just too stupid.then suddenly they know each other.





	1. Chapter 1

“a rum and coke?”, phil heard a voice ask. he looked over the counter and saw a small boy with big brown eyes and fluffy straight brown hair look back at him. he had a determined smirk set on his face. phil swore he felt his heart stop. but the boy couldn’t be more than 15. 

 

“i.d.?”

 

the boy chuckled and pulled it out, “don’t trust me?” he asked. phil stammered, trying to defend himself.

 

“no, i'm just joking. i get it.”, the boy said with a large smile. phil smiled back, and for once he found it to be real. he turned around to prepare the drink, hearing footsteps walking to the counter next to the boy. he gulped and turned around, drink in hand. 

 

phil placed it down in front of the boy and swallowed at the increase in tension. next to the brown-eyed beauty was a larger man with a harsh look about him. he had bedraggled blonde hair and dangerously glinting green eyes. he had a tight grip on the smaller’s wrist.

 

“come home dan.”

 

ah, dan.

 

“no. i already told you that i’m done with your bullshit.”

 

dan had an angry look in his eyes. phil turned around and pretended to busy himself. he heard the sound of someone chugging a drink and slamming it back down on the marble countertop. “another one, please?”

 

phil nodded and went to make another, quickly putting it down where the last one was and turning back around to wash cups.

 

“dan, i swear i’ll change. just come home, will you?”

 

phil didn’t like the sound of that. he heard a whimper and flinched. “no. you said that the last time. i’m done crawling back to you, jake.”

 

“and where do you plan on going, love? back to that pimp? i got you out of that life but i’d easily put you back.” 

 

phil took a deep breath. pj would come in five minutes for his shift and then he could leave. he went through what he had left to do in his head.

 

‘ _ finish shift, assure pj that he was fine, text chris to assure him he wasn’t dead, take his pills, and go to sleep.’ _

 

he could do it. he just had to tune out of the con-

 

he heard a loud impact, sounded like a punch. he jumped and his heart stopped. ‘you’re okay. you’re okay,’ he reassured himself.

 

but dan wasn’t. he heard another whimper, this one louder. he could hear dan swallow and then say, “okay. i’ll be home in an hour. i have to get my stuff from louise’s and then i will be there.”

 

“good,” the other man paused, “dan, you know i only do this because i love you. you know that, hm? i’m just here to protect you from ali. you don’t wanna go back to him, huh?”

 

“no. i know. thank you.”

 

“hm, that’s good love. gimme a kiss babe”

 

he heard what he recognized to be a peck, he remembered hearing it with his mother and father in the kitchen on sundays. bagel breakfasts and- the kiss, he could tell, intensified. not sunday breakfast kisses. those were the kisses he heard at a teenage party once, that time-

 

“im sorry.”, he heard dan say. the other one left.

 

he gulped, “don’t be…”

 

dan cleared his throat, “so, um, how much?”

 

“don’t worry about it.” he could tell the poor boy needed a break. he turned around and almost cried at the sight.

 

dan suddenly sported a bruise across his cheekbone, his lip split open. he still had that smirk though, phil could tell his determination wasn’t one to be deterred. “what’s your name by the way?”

 

“phil.”

 

“well phil, thank you.”

 

dan got up to leave, but right before he could, phil spoke up. “i, uh, know it’s none of my business but i don’t think it’s the smartest idea to go back to him.”

 

dan gave him a small smile. “i’ll be alright. i’ve survived so far, hm?” 

 

“well, there’s a difference between living and surviving.”

 

dan gulped. “you don’t seem like you’re living either, phil.”

 

phil was stunned. “i- i- i can’t just let you leave. can i- never mind, it’s dumb.”

 

“no, tell me.” dan’s eyes were wide.

 

“i can’t let you leave without being worried… i know we just met but could you please take my number and text me when you’re safe?”

 

dan gave him a small smile, “i promise i’ll be okay. but sure.” 

 

dan walked back over to him and handed him his phone. phil entered himself into his contacts.

 

_ ‘there you go, dumbass anxiety. can i actually sleep now? _ ’

 

“okay. goodbye phil.”

 

dan walked out of the bar, smiling to himself at the thought of someone caring. phil heard someone, pj, walk in through the employee door. “hey phil.”

 

phil forced a smile onto his face. “hey pj.”

 

pj gave him a look. “you alright?”

 

phil nodded. “i am.”

 

“listen… there’s a party that my friend is having. chris is going too. i know you prefer to hang out with just me and him but maybe you could try coming? it’s good to get out, hm?”

 

phil swallowed. ‘ _ party. party means people and people means attention and crowds and talking and he wasn’t sur-‘ _

 

“okay.”, he found himself saying. he turned to face pj with a forced smile. pj looked happily surprised.

 

“oh- yay! listen, phil, you shouldn’t worry. i’ll pick you up at six tomorrow, yeah?”

 

“yeah.”

 

* * *

 

dan didn’t know why he was going back. or how he’d convince louise to let him. all he knew was that if he wasn’t back by the end of the night, jake was not gonna be happy. he took a deep breath. he found himself doing that a lot lately.

 

he was almost at louise’s apartment. almost there. maybe he didn’t want to get there, though. he looked up at the sky and saw blues and whites mixed together. he never got time to do that anymore. all he did lately was move. away from jake, to louise, away from louise, back to jake. he never got time to look at the stars anymore. he missed when he was younger. the feeling of bitter cold running through him and swinging on his childhood swing set, catching fireflies and laughing with his friends while they chased dreams that didn’t quite make sense. he just wante-

 

“dan? oh my gosh! what are you doing?”, he heard a voice yell. he broke out of his trance, feeling his heart skip a beat. below him was freezing and rocky water. his hands grasped onto cold metal and his breath was caught in his throat. oh. how had he gotten here?

 

he felt arms pull him away from the black waters and into warmth. louise. “i’m moving out.”

 

louise gasped, “wha- where are you going?”

 

“jake.”

 

“no.”

 

“lou, it’s not your choice, alright? he changed and i’m moving back with him. i’m old enough to face my boyfriend.”

 

“dan you were about to jump. you can’t move back.”

 

“but i am. okay? i just need to grab my stuff. i’ll go to the party tomorrow so you know i’m okay. but i’m going back to him.”

 

“dan please…”

 

“lou it’s not like i’m going back to ali.”, he tried to joke.

 

“don’t.”

 

not funny time.

 

“i’m sorry.”

 

“just… don’t go back.”

 

“let’s go get my stuff.”

 

“okay,” louise whispered.

 

they trudged back in silence to her apartment. dan grabbed the few things he had. while he did, louise spoke up. “i don’t think you realize how horrifying it is, dan. i used to spend every night up late hoping you wouldn’t come to work with a new bruise, or broken bone.”

 

dan looked back at her with a broken look, “lou-“

 

“and tonight all i see is someone standing on the bridge, barely holding on. what would’ve happened if i hadn’t seen?”

 

“lou please.”

 

louise let out a little scoff, “whatever dan. see you tomorrow. if your ass of a boyfriend even let’s you come.”

 

“louise please,” dan’s voice cracked. her bedroom door was already closed. he closed his eyes, finishing gathering his belongings and walking out the door. he glanced at his phone and saw ‘11:54 P.M.’ staring back.

 

* * *

 

it was almost 12. he should be asleep. but there he was, staring at his phone and waiting for a text from a boy with bruised cheeks and determined eyes. a stranger, really. but dan mattered to him.

 

in all his anxiety, he’d forgotten all about chris. he was reminded harshly by a spasm of texts. 

 

‘chris: phil

phil you there?

r u ok

phil i stg

txt back phil

plz say ur ok’

 

he really wished he could say that chris’ worry was unreasonable. but he couldn’t. it wasn’t everyday your friend stopped answering your texts, and you got a call minutes later asking if you were his emergency contact. phil closed his eyes. 

 

‘ _ don’t think about it. you’re supposed to forget. or, move past. you had the dosage on your pills. no more.’ _

 

‘me: im alright

sorry’

 

‘chris: thank god. 

good night phil.’

 

‘me: good night.’

 

he clenched his eyes shut. one more thing for tonight. just wait for dan’s text and then-

 

‘??: hey it’s dan. im alright.’

 

he changed the contact.

 

‘me: ok

thank you

im sorry’

 

‘dan: why would u be sorry xx’

 

he blushed bright red.

 

‘me: good night, dan.’

 

he took a deep breath.

 

‘me: xx’

 

* * *

 

“ja-jake?”

 

“it’s about time. come here.”

 

jake was propped up on the couch, beer bottles placed recklessly around him. dan swallowed. he placed his bags down by the door and sat down gingerly next to jake.

 

jake reached over and pulled him close to him, his arm a heavy weight around dan’s shoulders. jake’s other hand rested high on dan’s thigh, slowly sliding up and down. dan opened his mouth to speak, before his words were quickly swallowed by jake’s mouth over his. “shush love. just enjoy.”

 

“but i-“

 

“don’t…”

 

dan stopped his words, traveling deep inside of his thoughts. he relaxed. he didn’t think, gasping and moaning while jake roughly took his body with a tight grip around his neck.

 

_ ‘figuratively and literally.’  _

 

he woke up hours later with a pained backside and hands tightly holding onto his chest. he whined at the pain when he tried to move, pushing through it in moderate silence and sloppily slipping out from jake’s arms. he could feel something slipping out of him and with a wince he realized what it was. it made sense, as jake insisted on them fucking til “at least 4 to make up for all that time we spent apart.” because dan was “his whore” now. that’s why he wasn’t surprised to see the clock reading ‘1:46’. he’d been behind on sleep anyways. but all he thought of right now was getting to work in fourteen minutes. he rushed through his routine, slipping on his shoes before grabbing his keys.

 

* * *

 

phil knew he shouldn’t worry. he knew that in turn it just made his friends worry about him. but he couldn’t stop because he’d noticed that he still had a bottle of tylenol in his cabinet and he had taken two in hopes of getting rid of his burning headache but then he realized he had no idea how old they were and he’d once heard that pills could be dangerous when expired and with shaky hands he reached for the bottle. his thoughts were enveloping him and before he realized it the bottle was open and the pills had spilt on the floor and the door opened and he had never felt this sick since that time.

 

chris was standing over him with his eyes blown wide in shock and worry and all phil could do was mumble how “it isn’t what it looks like” and words slipping past his lips like “expire” and “shaky”. but chris wasn’t listening because he just cursed and helped phil up, dragging the sobbing boy away from the wreckage and trying to calm him down. phil could hear numbers and “inhale” but all he was paying attention to was the expiration date that he could just barely see if only he could get a little bit closer.

 

he tried to get to the pills, grabbing the bottle and hearing what little pills were left rattle with the shaking of his hands and he could barely make out the numbers ‘5/20/2011’ through his blurred vision and chris trying to take the bottle back.

 

oh.

 

it was currently december 29, 2010. he was okay. 

 

“oh- it’s not expired.”

 

chris went silent. 

 

“im sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry,” phil mumbles slurred apologies. chris tried to reassure him.

 

but phil was already on his knees, picking up each pill and making a small pile in his palm, so close to shoving them into his mouth just to end this moment. chris took the pills from his hand and dumped them in the garbage, not saying a word. phil sat on the floor with his head in his heads thinking  _ ‘god i must look insane _ .’

 

“phil. hey, don’t worry about it. get some sleep.”

 

“but-“

 

“no.”

 

phil sighed and got up, trudging back to his bedroom and laying on the bed, dreaming of a boy with brown eyes and empty pill bottles. 

 

 

finally. his shift was over. normally he didn’t hate work so much. in fact, it was more fun than the rest of the day. but today louise didn’t work. although, he supposed, it might’ve been awkward anyways. he bit his lip, thinking back to last night and the way louise had sounded so cold, for once saying things as they were. maybe it had been a mistake, he thought. maybe he shouldn’t of went back to jake. 

 

maybe he was right that night only three weeks ago. he’d had an anger toward the older man, his eye burning with the aftershock of being punched and his mouth tasting of copper. he had the remnants of a childlike perseverance running through his veins, but he hated to admit that recently he’d been no more than an useless puppet. he remembered being powered by only the sad looks on his friend’s faces. he remembered how-

 

“where the fuck were you,” he heard jake start, “do you realize how fucking worried i was?” 

 

suddenly he was slammed against the wall with a hand gripping his throat and another violating his waist, painting it harshly with strokes of blue and purple.

 

“i- i- i had wo-work!”, he choked out. the hands tightened.

 

“you didn’t think to tell me? what- did you- didya go back to fucking ali? did you fuck someone or something?”

 

“no! i don’t do that anymore babe i swear! i- i work at the diner!”

 

jake had a crazy look in his eyes. dan hated how fucking pretty those eyes were. he felt tears drip down his cheeks as he realized that he couldn’t breathe. he gasped desperately for air, panic filling him quickly. he was released suddenly. “hey- hey danny i’m sorry, yeah? i didn’t mean to hurt you love. i- please don’t cry. please babe?”

 

dan sniffled, forcing himself to breath slowly, smiling weakly. “i- i’m okay jake.”

 

jake wrapped him in a hug, his hands brushing against a bruise but dan forced himself not to care. he allowed himself a moment of romance and comfort. 

 

glancing at the clock behind jake, he realized he was an hour late to louise’s party.

 

“babe- love- i- uh- have to go.”

 

jake released him and gave him a glare. “ _ what _ ? where now?”

 

“um- louise’s,” jake’s eyes darkened, “just for a party babe!”

 

“danny why do you have to piss me off so much?”

 

dan stammered.

 

“why can’t you just stay home? i have a wellpaying job. i can’t let you leave me love. i can’t let you go back to her.”

 

“i won’t leave you-“

 

“oh… danny just stay here. i can take care of the bills and you can find new things to take up your time.”

 

“like what? cooking and cleaning? i’m not gonna be some little housewife!”

 

jake was mad. crap. “don’t fucking yell at me!” dan was pushed onto the couch, a beer bottle digging into his back. 

 

“no- jakey-“

 

“you fucking whore. you really think, after all i do for you, that you can yell at me?”

 

“i’m so-“

 

“i can easily send you back to ali without a fucking second of- of hesitation.”

 

“don’t babe ju-“

 

“i’ve had so many people complain about losing their favorite  _ whore _ .” 

 

“stop-“

 

“dan if you wanna go to your dumbass party i suggest you go to the bedroom right now and make yourself fucking useful.”

 

“but i have to-“

 

“go!”

 

dan swallowed and scrambled over to their room, his breathing heavy and his heart hurting.

 

 

* * *

 

phil woke up hours later, to the sound of his doorbell ringing. he rushed out of bed, peeking through the hole with his heart rushing. 

 

‘ _ there was an intruder in this apartment building what if-‘ _

 

the party. fuck.

 

he opened the door shakily with a fake smile. “hey peej! sorry i’ll go finish getting-“

 

“i heard what happened. i’ll help you. and hey, don’t worry.”

 

pj gave him a smile and phil found himself wondering how the fuck he got such amazing friends. “i-i’m sorry that i’m making you lat-“

 

“i came an hour early, so don’t worry.”

 

“of course.”

 

with that, phil rushed to get ready, brushing his teeth and throwing on black skinny jeans and a plain white shirt. he swallowed as he fixed his quiff in the bathroom, flashbacks of what happened just hours ago fresh in his head. pj called his name out, his voice surprisingly peppy.

 

phil walked out on shaking legs, going to the kitchen and grabbing a granola bar. “damn phil. tryin’ to get a guy?”

 

“uh- i- well the-“

 

“aw, well i’m pretty sure that louise said there were to be many people so who knows?”

 

phil smiled genuinely. that’s what most people did. they found someone they liked and they flirted and they-

 

“ready?”

 

“yeah.”

 

 

* * *

 

“go.”

 

dan gulped, shocked and hoping it wasnt a trick. “are you sure-“

 

“go before i change my mind. be back on time. did you bring home or make dinner?”

 

“i brought it home.”

 

“then go.”

 

dan smiled at him, wincing as he got up and making his way toward the door.

 

he walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. he groaned when he saw bruising around his eye and neck. not to mention the bitemarks and hickies blatantly visible. no doubt he’d look like a  _ slut _ . 

 

_ ‘slut. whore. hooker.’ _

 

he heard his phone buzz and his ringer go off. glancing at his phone he saw ‘louise’ on his screen. she was probably worried, wasn’t she. he just hoped she wouldn’t get too worried and ruin her party.

 

“yeah i’m getting ready. i’m coming.”

 

“what’d he do? are you okay?”

 

“lou he’s my boyfriend. don- don’t worry.”

 

“i swear to god if you have any new bruises…”

 

“i gotta go. i’ll be there in ten minutes.”

 

he hung up.

 

fuck.

 

what the fuck was he gonna do now?

 

 

* * *

 

the party wasn’t bad. in fact, phil found himself having fun. the music playing was good and there were familiar faces. he recognized hazel and alfie, many others too. but he stuck by pj and chris stubbornly, laughing when they did and talking when polite.

 

but he couldn’t help but notice the worried look on louise’s face and the way she glanced at the door so often.

 

finally, he’d realized why. because walking through the door was dan. the same dan he’d met last night, this time with bright purple smattered across his face and a limp accompanying his walk. he could just barely hear their conversation.

 

“what the fuck did he do to you?”

 

“nice to see you too, lou.”

 

“dan it’s getting too far. you have to end it.”

 

“it’s not that bad, lou.”

 

“dan i’m tired of seeing you walk in here with bruises and claim that it’s fine, alright?”

 

“it’s not your fucking choice, louise.”

 

“yeah, i guess you’re right. i would’ve been smart enough to leave him.”

 

“you just don’t get it. you don’t know what it’s like to be in love.”

 

“oh, i don’t?”

 

“crap- lou i’m sorry i didn’t mean that-”

 

“whatever, dan. i’ve had enough. i’m getting a fucking drink.”

 

dan visibly shivered, his eyes begging her not to go. phil wanted to run over there and hug him. before he could, dan hung up his coat and turned toward the large crowd. he tried to look away but he couldn’t help but smile at dan.

 

the brown-eyed boy gave him a sweet look, despite the obvious upset tension he carried. he walked over to phil, “hey.”

 

“hi. is- uh- is your eye okay?”

 

“yeah, don’t worry about it.”

 

phil gasped, “oh is that a free! shirt? i love that show!”

 

“really? most people think it’s odd that i have a shirtless guy on my shirt.”

 

“no i find it quite flattering.”

 

dan laughed, “do you?”

 

“yeah, haru’s left nipple color really brings out your eyes.”

 

dan scrunched his nose and laughed loud. phil never wanted to stop hearing that laugh. “thank you, spork.”

 

“spork?”

 

“mhm.”

 

“okay.”

 

with that, the conversation seemed to flow. dan seemed to forget about his horrible boyfriend waiting at home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW// panic attack, unfairness toward people in abusive relationships, self harm mentions

“so, philly, who was that boy?”

 

“it’s just dan, peej.”

 

“and is this ‘just dan’ single or?”

 

“no, actually.”

 

“sadly?” 

 

“sadly.” 

 

pj giggled drunkenly, chris rolling his eyes. phil hugged a throw pillow tight to his chest, laughing when pj started to poke chris’ cheeks. he heard a small groan near him, probably coming from the floor. the same person coughed. 

 

yes, definitely the floor. he suspected green sleeping bag.

 

“you good?”, chris asked.

 

“uh- yeah. sorry.”

 

phil looked down at the floor, stunned when he saw dan rubbing one of his eyes. (the unbruised one). the world just really wanted him to know dan, huh?

 

phil was never one to believe fate though. if fate truly existed then maybe his uncle wouldn’t of come upstairs and-

 

“is he good?”

 

dan. right.

 

“uh- yeah. probably a bit hungover, ha.”

 

that was so fucking fake that it hurt.

 

“heh- is he- is he sure it’s not because he was thinking about- ow!”

 

fucking pj. “alright, mr. drunk, let’s get you home.”

 

phil sent chris a grateful look before looking back to dan. “um,” he avoided eye contact, “i guess i’ll go too then. it was fun to see you-”

 

“are you always this nervous, or am i special?”

 

phil swallowed, “you’re special for a different reason.”

 

dan gave him a curious look, “am i?”

 

“definitely.”

 

“well, phil, you’re quite special too.”

 

“am i?”

 

“it’s not everyone that makes me-”

 

louise stumbled from her bedroom with a small smile. “cute, boys. does anybody want breakfast?”

 

dan grunted as he got up, “actually, i should probably head home.”

 

louise gave him a look and phil awkwardly watched as they had a silent conversation. 

 

finally, dan gave in. “i guess thirty minutes wouldn’t mean much.” louise gave a satisfied hum before going to the kitchen.

 

“you staying?”

 

“uh, i should head back.” but phil wished he didn’t have to. he wished he could stay and not have to worry about missing a dosage because he didn’t want chris to-

 

“aw, i was hoping i could get to know ‘phil’ a bit more.”

 

“you always have my number.”

 

dan blushed. dan. fucking. blushed. phil noticed a bright red patch on his cheek and he praised himself for once, just  _ once _ being some kind of smooth. 

 

“well, i’ll be sure to use it.”

 

“i’ll be waiting.”

 

“not too long, i think.”

 

phil’s turn to blush. damn, dan howell was gonna be the death of him.

 

or maybe something… else.

 

with that, phil turned around and shakily opened the door. walking out of the apartment, he closed the door behind him before letting out a small breath and closing his eyes.

 

_ ‘see, phil? it’s all fine.’ _

 

with a smile, he took out his phone and dialed pj’s number. maybe he deserved a little celebration for, for once,  _ successfully _ talking to someone. it had been so long since he had, maybe since before they had…

  
  


it was a good day and he wasn’t going to ruin it thinking of the party and that night and the night after that seemed to drag on as long as the stars stretched and-

  
  


he flirted with dan. dan was flirting back. he decided to tune out his thoughts, thinking only of the bright red blush that had erupted onto dan’s face. that lovely face.

 

* * *

 

 

“so, who was that,” louise teased, “looked like you two hit it off.”

 

“louise, you’re forgetting an important figure known by the name of jake.”

 

“no, maybe you’re forgetting jake.”

 

“ _ louise _ c’mon, it’s hard enough knowing i can never leave him an-”

 

“so you do wanna leave him?”

 

“no, i meant that-”

 

“dan, i think it’s obvious to everybody  _ but  _ you.”

 

“lou, i don’t want to leave him. i can’t leave him. alright?” 

 

louise pursed her lips. she was angry. was everybody always angry at him?

 

he had a feeling jake would be too. he curled in on himself. fuck. fuck. 

 

“i’m sorry.”

 

“don’t be. i might not get it, dan, but i’ll be here for you. i know that sometimes i seem frustrated but-”

 

“lou-” 

 

“no, let me talk. but i’ll always have a room for you. no matter what that fucking asshole says.”

 

“thank you,” dan said with a few tears slowly dripping down his cheeks. 

 

“aw, come here love.”

 

he sniffled and hugged her quickly, her comforting scent bringing him back to easier times. “i love you, lou.”

 

“i love you too danny.”

 

* * *

 

 

“so, phil, how’d  _ dan _ go?”

 

“pfft, we just talked, for like a minute peej.”

 

pj snorted, looking at chris and wiggling his eyebrows.

 

phil growled lowly with a blush, pretending to go to the kitchen for drinks to disguise his blush. “aw, philly, we don’t mean it! come back!”, chris yelled. 

 

“whatever losers.”

 

pj and chris pouted, pretending to cry. 

 

he allowed himself to laugh, thinking that maybe for once he could let himself fall into the moment, and not think about the pills and the razor that used to be hidden beneath his pillow. he could just think about his friends, and how truly lucky he was.

 

* * *

 

 

“i’ve gotta go lou.”

 

“do you  _ have _ to?”

 

“i don’t really get a choice, do i?”

 

“it feels like sending a lamb to the slaughter.”

 

dan went silent, “it’s not like i’m leaving forever, lou. i’ll see you tonight, we’re working at six til nine together right?”

 

“i guess. dan, i just need to hear one thing.”

 

“yes?” 

 

“do you love him?”

 

and dan thought. he thought of cold nights and burning cheeks, of warm nights and a drunken happiness, of mornings with bruises and yells and fear and hiding in the room closet because _shit_ _he’d gone out drinking again_. but, somehow the only thoughts that really stood out were the ones of soft hands and lips, of comfort and falling in love.

 

“i do.”

 

louise sighed, and with a wave she sent dan off.

 

here comes hoping it’d be alright.

 

* * *

 

 

somehow, grabbing one drink had turned into grabbing seven. “peej, we’ve got work!”, phil had tried to insist. 

 

“we’re bartenders philly, who gives a shit?”

 

“i think our bosses would-”

 

“would they really?”

 

* * *

 

 

“dan.” 

 

he felt his throat go dry, “hi, love. have you eaten yet-”

 

“where were you? still that fucking party?”

 

“uh- i had to sleep over because i drank a little bit-”

 

“i don’t know why i let you go alone. for all i know, you could’ve been fucking some random guy. in fact, you probably were, weren’t you?”

 

“no, i-”

 

“found some hung top and slutted up around him ‘til he pounded you?”

 

“i didn’t-”

 

“did you moan danny? was he good? was he big?”

 

“jake please you’re making me uncomf-”

 

“so when strangers on the street fuck and use you, it’s fine, but this is-”

 

“i didn’t fucking fuck anyone! stop being an asshole and-”

 

* * *

 

 

_ 5:55. _

 

“phil- let’s go to a bar!”

 

“peej, i’m hungry!”

 

“maybe we should go to a diner?”, phil suggested with a small smile at their antics.

 

“yes! can we please?”, chris begged.

 

“i dunno if it’s polite to go as drunk as this-”

 

“i don’t give a shit, i’m hungry!”

 

pj smiled down at chris. “guess we’re goin’ then.”

 

phil fondly rolled his eyes, grabbing his jacket and shoes and, along with chris and pj, leaving the flat with a strange happiness about him. they climbed down the stairs with minimal complaint, rushing into the streets and hailing a taxi desperately.

 

“where to?”

 

“galaxy diner on 6th street?”

 

“alright lads.”

 

phil smiled at the familiar london term. “galaxy diner, huh? that’s sounds fun.”

 

“it is. louise, the person who ran the party, works there. pretty sure her frie-”

 

“oh! peej looks it’s the cafe we met kyle!”

 

phil looked out the window at the lights flashing by. 

 

he was happy.

 

* * *

 

 

dan knew he fucked up. he knew it from the way that, as soon as he finished yelling, jake’s eyes darkened, and his hands clenched into fists. he flinched at the memory, laying in bed with jake about 3 hours later, after a few hours of fighting (if you could call it that) and… could it really be called fucking if he had never-

 

he clenched his eyes shut.  _ no _ . he remembered the first time jake had done that. the first time he’d felt his skin burn and his body feel taken away from him and owned by someone else. he remembered times when he’d held the power and will to resist, times when jake couldn’t make him succumb with a few less-than-empty threats.

 

at this point, he felt that everytime he just capitulated. submitted with a hand of words wrapped tightly around his neck. 

 

he breathed in slowly, feeling tears fill his eyes when he shifted. his throat hurt and his body ached and goddamnit he just wanted to go back to simpler times, when the worst thing that happened to him was falling off a swing. he didn’t like what his life had become. he used to have potential and determination. but now he felt like an empty shell. he wanted to try again.

 

* * *

 

 

“louise! hello! it’s me, chris!”, he slurred. louise had a worried look on her face as she constantly glanced at her watch, but she rose an eyebrow and laughed.

 

“i’ll get some water for ‘im.”

 

phil checked his watch.  _ 6:56.  _ how long had it taken- oh, right. chris deemed it necessary that they went to grab ice cream and hang out at the park before getting food. that boy was crazy.

 

* * *

 

 

“jakey,” dan shakily started, “i have work, babe. i have to get up.”

 

he clenched his eyes shut at how weak his voice sounded. what would phil think of him now? he couldn’t even stand up to his boyfriend. should he even? jake wasn’t lying before, after all. he’d saved him from years and years of selling himself. maybe he should give up, trust the same person that promised to love him.

 

maybe then, louise wouldn’t have to worry so much and his whole body would hurt less. maybe giving up  _ was  _ the best choice.

 

* * *

 

 

“so what do y’all want?”

 

“um- can i have a hot chocolate and a waffle, please?”

 

louise smiled at phil. “alright, sweets.”

 

“louise! me and chris’ll have a cheeseburger and coke, please!”

 

louise rolled her eyes. “Sure.”

 

_ where was dan? _

 

* * *

 

 

jake turned over on his side to look at dan, who was laying next to him with his eyes closed. a sick thought filled his head, he loved the way the bruises danced on dan’s light skin. the way that beautiful face had slowly become more and more submissive, the way those eyes gradually fell into a sick in-love trance. almost like one falls to a snake. 

 

he’d broken the boy. and for some crazy reason he loved that.

 

he slowly rose, climbing so that he was leaning on top of dan in a push-up position. dan’s eyes had snapped open and his expression was… drugged. he looked to be nonchalant, trusting in jake’s arms. “do you have to go, love?”

 

dan swallowed, breathing heavily.  _ submit. submit. _

 

“i don’t have to, but maybe i can bring home something?”

 

jake smiled at him. ah, he liked this version a lot more. he kissed one of dan’s bruises, a purple one that looked like a galaxy against dan’s freckled cheek. dan winced a bit, remaining stiff under him. “do you love me, dan?”

 

“of course.”

 

jake hummed, connecting their lips. “bring some food home?”

 

“okay.”

 

_ 7:01.  _

 

fuck. lately that was is only thought. his breaking point was becoming closer and closer. maybe his new realization might help him succumb to one of his battles. all he did was fight, he deserved a break. 

 

he sighed as he got up from beneath jake, grabbing his work uniform and jacket, scurrying off to the bathroom. 

 

he looked in the mirror with a sad look. he didn’t like what he saw. he saw someone bruised and battered and he felt like a psychopath. why did he do this to himself? what’d he get out of it?

 

it was so easy giving in. jake seemed happier and he was happier than when he got beat up so maybe it was better.

 

it was. louise might not approve but he knew it’d make everything okay. 

 

he breathed for a few seconds, looking at his hands.

 

he decided not to think.

 

_ get ready. get a cab. ignore louise’s questions and carry on.  _

 

he nodded to himself and followed through with the first two steps perfectly fine. then came the louise part. as soon as he walked into the diner he noticed three people sitting by the employees counter chatting with louise. then he noticed one was phil. of course, who else would it be.

 

louise glanced over at him, looking back to the group before doing a double take. she smiled and said through gritted teeth, “excuse me,” to the group.

 

dan swallowed and kept his head down as he stumbled through the ‘EMPLOYEES ONLY’ door, hoping she’d go to another table and just leave him-

 

“what the fuck, dan?”

 

“are you even shocked at this point,” he tried to joke.

 

“no dan. i’m fucking not,” not funny, okay. “but i don’t think you realize how unfair this is. how many times have we had this fucking talk, hm? it’s not even a relationship, you’re just his punching bag. all he does is beat you up! i’ve seen abusive relationships, but never before have i seen one where all the abuser does is-”

 

“it’s not an abusive relationship.”

 

dan was so serious that it scared louise. louise went white. fuck. “shit dan-”

 

“i’m not some fucking victim, alright! i’m- i’m not weak, louise! i can handle myself. i’m not in an abusive relationship. i’m not some fucking pussy who can’t get away from their fucking abuser.”

 

louise felt  _ herself  _ get mad. 

 

“i’m not fucking weak! i could easily get away if i wanted to but i don’t! i love him and he loves me and how long will it be until you accepted i-”

 

“i’ve  _ seen _ an abusive relationship before. i’ve seen it get bad and i’ve helped people out of them.  _ they _ got out before it got horrible, but for you? i think it’s a little late. you’re like a ghost. you  _ scare _ people dan,” dan swallowed, “you look like a fucking slave and i don’t know how much longer i can help someone who doesn’t want it.”

 

“i’m not some  _ slave _ .”

 

“you’re worse. you’re worse because you  _ love  _ him,” louise grabbed dan’s arm, trying not to pay attention to the way the boy flinched and curled in on himself, “you love someone who fucking hurts you every day! how the fuck can you do that to yourself- to me?”

 

“louise,” his breaths got short, “you’re hurting me.”

 

“don’t you see it dan? you’re hurting me everyday that you march in here with bruises and a joke and you look like some street slut!”

 

his heart felt like it was stopping. he gasped for air and it wouldn’t come. he told himself  _ calm down calm down calm down _ . his breaths wouldn’t fix themselves and his wrists  _ hurt _ .

 

“do you really think it’s okay to toy with me like that, huh? it’s getting harder and harder to  _ care  _ dan!”

 

his heart cracked in two.

 

* * *

 

 

yelling. yelling. it wouldn’t stop and phil felt terribly sorry for dan. “i’m going in there.”

 

“phil, you can’t.”

 

“he’s having a  _ panic attack _ in there peej!”

 

phil swallowed his fears and marched into the room, yelling filling his ears from louise ranting, having not noticed his presence. “louise, please get away from him,” he begged.

 

louise gaped at him and dan glanced up only to shoot his eyes down toward the floor and his breathing somehow sped up. she tried to protest. “p-please.” 

 

She finally succumbed, gasping as she realized what she’d done.

 

he stood in front of dan. “deep breaths dan. inhale…” he slowly brought dan through his daily routine he had. everytime something freaked him out he’d do this and it almost  _ always _ worked.

 

dan followed, his breathing slowly returning to normal. louise had left the room somewhere between the whole ruckus and it was just dan and phil. silent but unspoken words drifting through the air. “i’m sorry.”

 

“don’t be. please.” 

 

dan swallowed before bursting into tears. phil didn’t say anything, wrapping his arms around dan and praying it was enough.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! really sorry about how short this one is, but midterms are coming up and i'm a bit out of it! i might update sometime into the week with another 1000 word to make up for it, we'll see!

 

phil could feel tears beginning to brim at his own eyes, but he tried desperately to push them down. dan was blabbering about something, phil couldn’t quite hear through the pounding thoughts in his own head. 

 

before he realized, dan had pulled away and their lips were connected. phil’s heart was pounding. “fuck,” phil pulled away, “dan i’m sorry i didn’t mean to-”

 

“i kissed you.” and suddenly dan’s lips were on his again and all that went through phil’s mind was a mix of some strange happiness but fear coloring it all black. phil fell into the kiss, his hands slowly making their way onto dan’s waist, feeling dan’s hands travel into his hair. fuck. this was wrong.

 

phil disconnected their lips with a gasp for air, his blown eyes looking into dan’s own. “w-we can’t, dan.” 

 

dan whimpered before taking two steps back, “you’re right. i’m sorry. shit.” 

 

phil wanted badly to kiss dan’s frown right off his face, to fill dan’s head with only thoughts of him. but he couldn’t. he shouldn’t.  _ can’t _ . 

 

they went silent, neither knowing what to say. phil looked at the floor, “you shouldn’t be sorry- i mean- i enjoyed it.”

 

dan looked at him with a small smile, “well- if neither of us  _ hated _ it then maybe- maybe we don’t need to stop.”

 

phil looked up at him, breath-taken, “i just- are you in the right state to kiss me i mean you just-”

 

before he could finish his sentence, dan’s lips were on his and he swore he never felt more complete. thoughts of guilt rushed out of his head and all he ever wanted to do was kiss dan.

 

“but- is this right,” phil mumbled.

 

“it- it doesn’t have to mean anything,” dan spoke against his lips, “you can be like my happy little pill.”

 

phil sighed before connecting their lips again. 

  
  
  


phil swallowed, burying his face in his pillow and groaned. fuck. dan was going to be the death of him. he knew how he felt about him, and at this point dan did to. at least, he hoped. he turned to see the clock burning numbers into his skull, a bright green ‘3:23’ basically embedded into his eyes. 

 

he turned onto his back and looked at the ceiling with a dazed look. he grunted before turning onto his side and falling asleep to, for once, peaceful thoughts and soft crickets.

  
  
  


dan groaned. of course he was still awake. why would jake ever let him sleep? he was sat on the couch with jake basically circling him like he was prey. he worried his lip, determinedly ignoring the taste of copper that filled his mouth. “i told you one thing. get home at ten and bring dinner. what’d you do?”

 

“i forgot.”

 

jake growled and dan felt himself crumble under his stare. “how hard is it to listen to me, dan?”

 

“i swear i didn’t mean to, jakey.”

 

jake gave him a glare. dan took that as a hint to continue. he stood up and grabbed gently at jake’s arms and gave him a pitiful pout, “i’m really sorry babe. please don’t be mad at me. have you eaten?”

 

jake shook his head, staring into dan’s eyes deeply. “well,” dan began, almost gagging at the fake sweetness in his voice, “i could make dinner and we can have some wine,” his fingers traced his arms up and down, “maybe we move to the couch and… see where it goes?”

 

jake’s strong hands grabbed his waist and though he really didn’t want to, all dan could do was compare how much heavier he felt when jake grabbed him than when phil had. dan kissed jake, squeaking when jake bit at his lip. he deepened the kiss heavily, right before he pulled away quickly, “now, for dinner.”

 

jake groaned loudly, “really?”

 

“well, you’re hungry, right?”

 

jake growled.

  
  
  


phil dreamed of butterflies in his stomach and thoughts dancing around in his mind. he dreamed of lips on his and biting and chocolate eyes. 

  
  
  


“dinner’s ready babe!”

 

dan winced at how housewifey he sounded, just like how jake wanted his to be. jake came up from behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, burying his head in his neck and nipping lightly. dan turned around in his arms and smiled up at him, ignoring the way it made the bruise on cheek burn in protest. 

 

jake pecked his lips, “such a shame i had to bruise your pretty little face.”

 

dan stayed still, not daring to make a sound or move. jake seemed to appreciate that, kissing him slowly one more time before backing off and heading over to the table. dan turned back to the food he’d made, a recipe for stir-fry that he’d known from his parents. it was one of his favorite meals.

 

he made a plate for both himself and jake, giving himself a smaller portion, as jake had always insisted that he was already around sugary things all day at work, so it was better for dan to eat less. 

 

he placed it next to jake, who grabbed a fork and immediately dug in. dan waited patiently for jake’s reaction. jake smiled up at him, “it’s really good love. might have to keep you home a bit more to cook for me.”

 

dan’s breathing hitched and his mind chanted, ‘not a housewife. not a housewife’. instead of voicing his thoughts and ruining the rare peace, he smiled, “thanks, babe.” 

 

dan picked up his fork and took a bite, but could only taste bland. 

  
  


“you kissed him?”

 

pj’s wide eyes were focused right on him and he didn’t enjoy this the way he enjoyed dan. “yes- and- it was- i think i-”

 

“you think what?”

 

“i dunno, i just really like him, y’know?”

 

“phil…” 

 

“is it really that bad,” phil cringed at pj’s glare, “i mean- his boyfriend is... yeah. so maybe it’s not that bad.”

 

“oh, i forgot about that. it’s not bad, but people like that can be really possessive. maybe you shouldn’t get involved with him.”

 

“it’s a bit late isn’t it?”

 

“right.”


End file.
